How to Handle the Death Anniversary of a Loved One
Transcript:
Hey, this is Preston Zeller. I am just going to probably ramble here a bit about anticipating the anniversary of when you lost somebody. I think there's something about getting closer to that day that makes a lot of us restless. So I have my brother's three-year anniversary of him passing away coming up tomorrow. And this week's been kind of weird, for sure. A bit like thinking about what I want to do to remember him and what my family's going to do.
And so I just thought I'd share what we're going to do, and then also some other ideas. Because I see a lot where, it's coming up ... especially the first year. That one-year anniversary, where it's just really, a year marks this pivotal point of that very early period, right? Where you're just in such distress and feeling all these crazy emotions from grief and trying to figure out what it all means for you still.
And so three years out, one thing that we've decided to do is ... my brother's favorite food was pizza. Like a lot of people. Who doesn't like pizza? But he definitely enjoyed it some more than others. And so we grew up making homemade pizza. So that's what we're going to do. We're making homemade pizza. I got some really good slow-rise dough in the fridge. And so yeah, that's one thing we're going to enjoy. We don't all get to be together physically, but we're going to do that.
Opportunity to Be Better
But instead of the day, maybe being this ominous, fortuitous ... or foreboding, I should say, day. I do think it's an opportunity to reflect on, how have I been living my life? How do I want to live my life? Because the reality is, your person's not coming back. And that's a really hard thing to swallow for, I think a lot of us. Maybe you're still in this denial phase. Or maybe you are just still embracing all of the downward-feeling thoughts and emotions versus embracing the joy and the happiness that you can have. And certainly, I hope you don't feel guilty about feeling any kind of joy or having a laugh. That's another thing that I think can often be weighing down on someone is like, I'm not allowed to feel happy. It's like, yeah, you are. Laughter and crying are, are releases of emotion. And so, why wouldn't you embrace that?
But the way I've looked at it over the years, for sure, is that I want to live a life that my brother can't live. I want to live doubly, right? Not that I'm going to these extremes, but I'm also that much more, not going to let anything hold me back. And I think it's a disservice in a way, to the person that you lost, to let that death hold you back. And to some degree, I think we can feel guilty for trying to live an abundant life, because we want to continue to hold on to the pain and the misery that it has caused us, especially in the early days. And somehow letting that go means you're going to forget about that person.
But I think it's quite the opposite. By just embracing the actuality of them being gone, you're more so using that as a way to honor them and that they're not there, and living your life in a way that is going to be fruitful. That's going to produce something of value. And what is that value? It could be just being a good person to your family, to your friends. It could be some kind of aspirations you have, and going and pursuing those. But whatever it is, using this anniversary of your loss to move into that mode, I think is super important. And I do believe the sooner we do that, the sooner you can move into this mode where you're, again, using this loss as something to be ... to motivate you. And to bring a bright spot amidst the darkness.
Turn Grief into Greatness
And there's a saying that I came up with, but it's just, to turn grief into greatness. And I think we do have a bit of a responsibility to do that versus just staying in those early days of the shock and the sadness. There will be that, for sure. There is sadness, but it doesn't have to all be sad. It doesn't have to all be depressing. It doesn't have to all be something bad. It could be something that really works in your favor, in a way. And again, using this anniversary day ... if you had music you listened to with that person. If you had certain games you played. Certainly food, that's a really big one. And doing that with family and friends. But being communal about it.
And remember that no one just leaves behind one person. I think in the US it's, they leave behind an average of five people, five close relationships. So that was in a report I read somewhere recently. So there are other people I think who want to share this with you may be more than you know or realize. Seek those people out. And even if just other grieving people who you've connected with, go do that. And I think you'll be better off for it.
And, yeah. Anyways, I hope this was helpful. If you have any comments, leave them below. I'd love to hear from you and just see what you have to say. So have a good day.
